


Lesser of Two Evils

by starhawk2005



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-31
Updated: 2012-07-31
Packaged: 2017-11-11 03:53:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/474218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starhawk2005/pseuds/starhawk2005
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John has to choose whether to try to save Dean, or to stick to his mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: As much as I’d kill to own John Winchester, I don’t.  
> Author’s Notes: Inspired by the 'Faith' episode (S1).

He _knows_ somehow, the moment he accesses the phone message. It hits him like claws sinking into his guts. Like a knife slicing open the side of his face.

_Hey Dad, it’s Sam._

This is bad. He feels it, he _knows_ it.

_Uh, you probably won’t even get this, but, uh,_

It hurts, knowing that Sam thinks John’s not listening to him, to them. He is, but-

_It’s Dean._

Of course it is. His youngest wouldn’t be calling him otherwise. Sammy doesn’t have that kind of faith in his own father. John understands too well why that might be.

_He’s sick, and uh…doctor says there’s nothing they can do._

John aches inside. He wants to go to them. To drop the hunt, drop everything, and just go to be with Dean. Be a father to them both once again, the way he never could since Mary died.

But he can’t. He knows he can’t. As much as it hurts. Him and them. And if Dean’s really hurt that bad, what could John do, anyways? Go sit by his bedside and tell Dean he loves him? That he’s sorry for the mistakes he’s made, trying to be both father and protector?

Dean already knows all of that, John tells himself. 

Because if John somehow leads one of the Demon’s followers back to his boys, if Sammy somehow gets caught in the middle of this battle John is waging....he can’t bear that thought. 

He has to stay away, he _has_ to. Even if it means that he never holds his eldest again. Sammy’s life is too important. And Dean’s is already forfeit, by the sound of it. Going to see him now would change nothing.

Or so he tries to tell himself. Until he listens to the rest of Sammy’s message.

_Um. But, uh, they don’t know the things we know, right?_

John feels the weight of guilt on him lift. Just a fraction.

_Um. So don’t worry, ‘cause, um, I’ll do whatever it takes to get him better._

Maybe there’s hope. He thinks that maybe he should go after all.

But then he reminds himself: Sammy – _Sam_ \- is a big boy, he can deal with it. 

He knows he may be gambling with Dean’s life. That if he doesn’t go and help Sam, he might lose Dean.

But he still can’t risk it. 

_Alright…Just wanted you to know._

The message ends, and John closes his eyes, feeling the tears on his cheeks. He can’t. He _can’t_. It’s not safe to go to them. It’s not safe to help Sam. The stakes are too high, even with Dean’s life in the balance.

If he brings evil down on his boys, they could both die. He couldn’t bear that. If Mary’s death nearly killed him, this _would_ be the death of him. And the Demon would be free to torment other families. Mary’s death – his sons’ death, _his_ death – would all be a cruel waste.

John made a decision that night, the night he finally picked up the Demon’s trail. A decision which meant that he had to cut off all contact with his boys, for their own safety. So that what happened to Mary wouldn’t happen to them. So that the boys couldn’t be used against him.

And now, as painful as it is, he knows he has to stick to his resolve. He has to have faith in Sam and his ability to save Dean. Faith in Dean’s ability to _fight_ as long as possible. And when John’s task is done, when the Demon is dead and it’s safe to see his boys again, he’ll apologize. He’ll try to undo the damage.

He hopes it’ll be enough.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John still struggles with his decision to stay away from his boys – even if Dean could be dying – for their own good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I keep checking the classified ads so that I can buy John Winchester, but so far, no luck. :( He still belongs to Kripke and Co.

It plagues him. Eats away at him, at his resolve.

He hasn’t erased Sam’s message yet.

_Hey Dad, it’s Sam..._

_It’s Dean…_

_Alright…Just wanted you to know._

It’s a torment to listen to to it. To hear the unshed tears in his youngest son’s voice. But John makes himself do it. On the empty stretches of road. In the nameless, indistinguishable motel rooms. In the run-down, filthy greasy spoons.

Because it’s also penance. For not calling Sam back. For not _going_ back to help them. It’s even, after a fashion, penance for Sammy’s girlfriend Jessica. Maybe, John thinks for the thousandth – maybe hundred-thousandth – time, if he’d visited Stanford more frequently to check secretly on Sammy, maybe he could’ve caught the thing in the act. Could’ve saved Jessica.

Or maybe if John had been more understanding, and less afraid, Sammy would never have left for school, and all the shit followed would never even have happened.

So John listens to the message over and over. His self-inflicted punishment, for not helping or supporting his sons like a father should. For not helping Sammy save Dean. For not comforting Dean.

He thinks again that he doesn’t even dare to call Sam back. Even if he doesn’t dare go back physically and join them, he’s even more conflicted about not speaking to them.

He could call. He could reassure Sammy, give him moral support. Let him know his father _heard_ him, that he loves them.

But John doesn’t call. Because he knows it’ll _break_ him. He’ll drop this hunt – the most important hunt of his life, their lives - and go running to their sides.

Still, he almost calls them anyway. He finds himself suddenly in a phone booth at midnight, not even sure how he got there, handset halfway to his ear. He can almost hear out loud, in the close air of the booth, the things he’d say to Sammy if he got him on the phone.

_ Sammy, I’m fine. _

_ Sorry, kiddo, can’t tell you where I am. _

_ You have to trust me on this. _

_ The thing that killed your mother is a demon, Sam.  _

_ I know what happened to Jessica. I’m so sorry. I never wanted anything like that to happen to you. _

_ But I can’t meet up with you boys. I’m too close on its trail to give up now.  _

_ And you’ve got to stop looking for me. Because the demon has…friends. And if they find you… _

_ Until it’s safe, do your job, and leave me to do  _ mine _. That’s an order, Sammy._

The handset is cold when he presses it against his ear. He reaches out, caresses the keypad hesitantly. What’s the harm in calling them? A quick call, nothing more. Could the demon’s buddies really track them all that easily, just from a brief phone call? Surely he’s being paranoid.

He starts to dial the number, imagining again all the things he might say if they pick up.

8- 

_Sammy, I’m so sorry._

6- 

_Sorry about so many things. About not being a good enough father to you._

6-

_About getting so angry at you when you left. I was so scared-_

9-

_I’m sorry I couldn’t save Jessica._

0- 

_Dean, I’m so sorry, too. I’m proud of you, son. Even if I’ve never told you that. Even if I didn’t always act as if I thought so._

7-

_I’m sorry you had to grow up so fast, Dean._

3- 

_I’m sorry I couldn’t save your mother._

2- 

_I’m sorry you both couldn’t have normal lives, like everyone else._

3-

_Please forgive me._

But his finger won’t dial the last number.

Instead, he remembers what happened a week ago. He was at a diner, and the waitress’s eyes had turned black. _Completely_ black. Only for a moment, but John hadn’t waited around to make sure. He’d left his food untasted and jumped into his truck, peeling out of there.

And less than two days ago, he’d been at a gas station, refilling a tire. He’d glanced across the street, and thought he’d seen another person with black eyes. He could’ve been mistaken, of course.

But he couldn’t take the chance. He’d gotten out of there quickly, too.

He realizes now, the empty line still waiting for him to hit that last keypad, that as badly as he wants to hear their voices, to apologize, to tell them both that he loves them…he can’t take the chance, either.

Heart leaden, he hangs up. But he decides then and there that he’ll find a safe place to call them from. Once he no longer constantly feels as if hate-filled eyes are searing into the back of his skull. When he’s no longer so _convinced_ that he’ll be bringing darkness to their front door if he goes to see them in person.

Once it’s safe, he’ll call. Tell them what he can. As much as he can, while still keeping them safe. And if Sammy comes through and manages to save Dean…John doesn’t let himself worry about that. It’s out of his hands. He trusts Sammy to do whatever he can to save Dean.

It’s too important to abandon his mission, no matter how badly he wants to. If he does, and they pay with their lives, he’ll never forgive himself.

He’s doing all this for _them_.


End file.
